We made it this far…

There are some things that you just can’t say. Thank you for texts and computers. With them we can tell people things that we would never say in person and then because of that we miss out on a lot. I think computers and phones make us lame. Say it straight to my face. Stop hiding behind electronics.

Halloween was amazing! I saw 4 of my babies, two favorite cousins, Paul, my grandparents, my mom, and brother! I’m so not use to carrying babies all night. They were sooo cute though. I was a cat for Halloween.

I miss him.

I saw him for his birthday!! Yes. Oh and I took my grandma out for lunch since it was her birthday to on Monday.

Study Study Study School School School School School School Study Study Paul Paul Friends Friends Paul Friends School School School Study.  There is my life. Haha.  Thanksgiving is coming up!!

~*Chi*~

 

Family Dinner

We went out to dinner tonight. To celebrate mom’s getting a job and us not being dirt poor as a family anymore because of her job.

I, of course, was relatively unaffected by familiar recession. Only thing I felt was losing nearly $120 in groceries in a fortnight and a half to allow us to continue eating and washing clothes.

So, anyway:

We went to Pizza Inn in Denton tonight ( the one across from Kroger’s? ) and, due to my frequent exits, I sat in the middle. Nathan was telling me about something ( I’m not really sure what ) and mom told him to look at me when he was talking to me [ He has a really bad habit of looking at the table or someone he knows is going to support him when he's talking instead of looking at the person he's talking to. She was really nice about it, not at all rude ] so he looked at me and finished his story. I realized, when he did this, that he doesn’t ever blink. I mean, I know he closes his eyes ( I’ve seen him asleep =) I actually have a picture of him and the cat from the same point of time in the afternoon in separate rooms in exactly the same position lol =D ) but he just doesn’t blink. So I stared at him for a minute – which I know makes him uncomfortable – and he looked down and added another little note about whatever he was talking about. I cut across the end of it and went “Nathan? Do you ever blink?” He just goes “No.”

It was SO hilariously funny. I discovered that Nat and I have more in common than I thought. Both of us have absolutely startlingly funny senses of humour, but people don’t always understand it because of the way we deliver things. I noticed that about The Little Prince as well. But he’s much, much drier than Nat.

The point is: Nathan is awesome. And I don’t recognize that enough.

I think you can tell, the family is a little more peaceful than it was. =)

[ Ooh! The food was pretty good. I found a beer that's actually not half bad: Michelob Ultra. And the pizzas were really decent. Not as good as Papa John's ( obviously ) but not bad as buffet 'zas go. ]

xxdruxx

 

I am Very Bothered

A blog named for a Simon Armitage poem. It can be found here.

“My party piece:
I strike, then from the moment when the matchstick
conjures up its light, to when the brightness moves
beyond its means, and dies, I say the story
of my life –

dates and places, torches I carried,
a cast of names and faces, those
who showed me love, or came close,
the changes I made, the lessons I learnt –

then somehow still find time to stall and blush
before I’m bitten by the flame, and burnt.

A warning, though, to anyone nursing
an ounce of sadness, anyone alone:
don’t try this on your own; it’s dangerous,
madness.”

I found this poem, also by dear Simon, on a random site as I looked for I am Very Bothered. I love this poem. It’s so muchly what I feel so often – the desperate longing to be anywhere but here. The horrible tedium that has to be propelled with sick rhythm; strike a match, watch it burn. Strike, burn, die.

I love it.

What I wanted to say I was very bothered about is that I’m not allowed to sit downstairs in the hotel. Not because of any actual “don’t go down there” statement, but because Cathy can’t sleep with me gone. She’s terrified that I’m going to either get stolen, murdered or go back to some guys hotel room. Not bloody likely, now, is it? So far the only guy I’ve talked to this whole trip is Eric, who is considerably older than me and – while very attractive – granted me the strangest sense of freedom yesterday when we talked without hitting on each other. It was completely platonic and I managed to keep up the small talk, to keep conversation flowing smoothly ( which was also facillitated by our chemistry in conversation ) and to just talk to this person I barely knew. It was a beautiful thing. And it made me feel good about myself because I realized ( as I do from time to time ) that I don’t need to sell myself for people to be attracted ( in a platonic way ) to me. I can – possibly, at some point – just have friends. Without benefits. Just friends.

Ah, my difficulties do go on…

But I was looking forward very much to another night filled with conversation and happiness and no sleep.

But I can’t do that to Cathy. The no sleep carries over, you see. Of course, it is extremely difficult for me to sleep with the TV on…so I guess we’re even in some convoluted way.

My muscles are sore from swimming and walking and standing and climbing, but it’s very refreshing. I’m enjoying San Antonio immensely. =)

Goodnight, dear hearts. ♥

xxdruxx

[ P.S. Happy Birthday to Cathy! We went to Chili's for dinner and made her suffer through the joy of having the crew sing to her. It was awesome ^^ And the food was amazing. I ate too much though and nearly threw up in the parking lot. I had a mushroom and green olive quesadilla, "Texas Cheese Fries" with all the meat off and a molten chocolate cake thing. GORGEOUS! ( I only had half the quesadilla plate. Which was way more than I should have. I even felt it. I was like...STOP EATING! But Cathy wasn't really happy with everyone and I didn't want her to feel I was wasting her money. ) Lol...I don't usually gorge myself. Honestly. :/ HA! When written in this context, that face looks like a bit of code.

And I'm wondering why we have the "Thoughts" tag. Was that one of Kris' additions? Peh.

And i adore the "insomnimanical antics" tag. That's crazy amazing of me. [ xx ] ]

 

OPAAAHH!

Don’t you just hate it when your parents treat you like you’re stupid. As if you haven’t thought everything through.

They just dont seem to understand that you are grown up enough to think for yourself. Just because your younger brother always asks for help doesn’t mean that you need to have help too. It’s frustrating to know that your parents dont trust you enough to plan out your own choices, and they dont listen when you tell them that you’ve completed all preperations and they think that you are incapable of doing anything for yourself.

GRR!! I know full well that she doesn’t want me to go. But you know what it’s my life. if she wants me to miss out on the one thing i’ve been looking forward to for years perhaps i should make here feel guilty and say that i dont want to go because no one thinks that im capable of sorting things out on my own.

>_<

Lu xxx

 

Sarah~

You’ve been coming up a lot in the past couple of weeks.  You just keep popping up!  That pen you gave me.  Your pictures.  Easter.  I never realized how all over the place you were in my head.

Did you know I had to tell Melanie when you died?  She called the house and I had to tell her why she couldn’t talk to Mom.  Because Mom was on the phone with your Momma.

Then last week I had to tell one of your EFY buddies.  She asked about you…  I was so casual about it.  Then I got in the car and the shock on Margaret’s face hit me.  How the heck did I just brush you off like that?  Like sand on my beach towel..

You told me not to get involved with boys, lol.  So did Courtney.  I didn’t listen to either one of you.  We’re related, alright…

I miss you, hon.  I’ve only been out to Gilmer once since, and that was for your funeral.  It was so weird, seeing you like that.  You weren’t smiling, Sarah.  You know, the last time I saw you when you didn’t smile was at Papa’s funeral.  I didn’t like it.  Loved your outfit though, girlie.   Very stylish.  Purple zebra print, gold peace necklace, jeans…  SO Sarah.

You were writing a book?  Why didn’t you tell me?  Aren’t YOU the one that told me to showcase my work?  You were the one who encouraged me to write in the first place.  You were the one who told me my story idea wasn’t stupid.  Your mom’s never going to do anything with it… I wish I could’ve read it.

You always made us laugh.  You were the girl I always wanted to be.  When we were little, you were the cool sporty girl.  You could pull off a frilly shirt with basketball shorts.  Then you grew into a beautiful woman.  Soooo stylish and amazing in everything… I always wanted to be like you.  But you didn’t know that, did you?

I’m sorry you didn’t make drum major.  You should have!  You were amazing.

Brandon hasn’t smiled yet.  I mean, he smiles.  His eyes smile, too, but it’s not a truly amused smile.  I was talking to Darla.  He needed you, Sarah.  Your mom needed you.

I’m sorry that you never got to come over and spend the night.  We were always going to… Every year, “Maybe next year.”  And then when you were in Denton!  Ughh!  I could SHOOT myself for that!  I really could.  I’m sorry, Sarah.  And I didn’t come out there for Christmas.  You CALLED me and ASKED me to, but no, I had to tell you I had SOCCER PRACTICE.  I’m such an idiot.  I quit soccer right after your funeral…

You inspired me to always be happy.  You were so much like Papa in that way…

Sarah, I miss you so, so, so much.  I love you.  And I’m really sorry… for everything.  I’m sorry I can’t make Brandon laugh anymore.  I’m sorry I didn’t come.  I’m sorry…

 

 

((Dru, I know I copied you, but not intentionally.  It was just overwhelming.  I had to write to her.))

 

Rubik’s Cube

Dear Mama,

Hello.

I miss you so much.

We’re having one last game in World History – It’s a scavenger hunt and one of the items is a solved Rubik’s Cube. Well, as soon as I saw that ( and got home ) I got the cube you gave me off the desk you gave me. It’s still not solved and I honestly haven’t played with it since like November or December.

And I didn’t remember that you gave it to me until today.

You see, last night, I had a dream about you. And you got really, really sick, and I almost got killed by these really crazy people that actually wanted to kill me. But somehow, we got you out of there and we saved your life. And I was so happy. Because you were okay, and your back didn’t hurt anymore and you gave me a huge hug and I could smell you and feel your soft warmth.

And then I remembered that you’re dead. But it didn’t click. And I thought “Oh! I have to go tell Mama about my dream because she was okay and she wasn’t gone.”

And then it clicked.

That you’re gone. And I can’t go hug you and my Rubik’s cube is the last Birthday gift I’ll ever get from you.

And I became extremely protective of it.

We had a water activities night thing at Mutual and I was getting everything out of my pockets and stuff in the bathroom and I had this horrible thought: “What if someone dunked my Rubik’s Cube and it got ruined.” I don’t want it to get ruined, Mama. Cuz you gave it to me and it was exactly what I wanted and I didn’t get you anything for your birthday. I only went to see you once when you were awake. And I’m so so sorry. I just didn’t want to be around Mom because she yelled at me. And you looked at me so happily when I told you I’d be back. But then two whole days went by that you were awake and I didn’t go. I’m so sorry.

But I had a vision of me at college ( if I ever get there ) with Piggy and my Rubik’s Cube. And me in my car driving out into the sunset or wherever I’ll go with some clothes in the backseat and my Rubik’s Cube.

I’ve been trying really hard to solve it, but I can’t figure it out. Michael’s cousin is supposed to solve it for me Sunday, but I’m afraid now to let it get out of my sight. I’m afraid.

I’m so sorry I let you down.

And I miss you so much. I really do. I know I don’t cry much…But I am tonight.

I love you Mama. I wish I could hug you.

Keep up the good work taking care of those people up there.

I love you!

Love,
Your Sweet Cheeks

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ( and a few more: xxxxxx! I love you!!! )

 

Entropy

There’s a bottle of absolut comfort on the kitchen counter
Their doing
And, after the hour I spent with you, two years ago
I want it.

I saw it and thought
“I could take that back with me”
“I could hide and hide and never be seen again”
Left alone, at last.

Because if you aren’t going to help me
I don’t want your discipline

How can you discipline me
When you can’t discipline yourselves?

I am angry at you
Because I am jealous of you
And I think something broke that just can’t be fixed with us
And I don’t really care.

It makes me sad

But I have Him.

The four-years-old him, that I swore off
Well, it’s summer time, no rain in sight
So maybe he’ll stick around ;p

And I thought of calling you, the other you
I was going to call you.
Then I remembered you have a life
And a girlfriend
And other things to do on a Friday night

So I was going to ask her if you were busy
But like I said, something broke with us
And it just doesn’t feel right
It’s like she’s always on eggshells
Which just makes me madder

Sometimes, when it breaks, it can’t be fixed

So the overall chaos of the world got increased
Because some things broke.

A promise ( x3 – Let’s face it, Team dru, your mascot lied, too. )
A heart
An 8 year “friendship”
A sisterhood
A couple of blood vessels
A pencil
Family love
and
A mind.

And just like scrambled eggs and a candle in a dark room, we increased something that everyone is part of. We made more of a mess of things.

So, I almost called you
Because I wanted to talk to the you that sent me those stupid messages
When I was better than you, instead of worse,
And when I was still a man, and could stand up for everything I thought I was
Before I begged for you to still hold my hand ( how disgusting, eugh )

But then I remembered you have a life outside of me
And I was afraid I’d cry again if you said you couldn’t talk
So I blocked you instead.
And then I found you’ve been trying to talk to me on Yahoo.
Except that was six days ago
And you don’t like me again now

So I almost called you
And i almost wished you’d call me

But then I remembered how almost every message started with “I’m sorry”

And, honestly…

I am too.

I’m sorry that I want to hurt you so bad.
When I stop needing to insult you
Then I’ll be cured.
If.

So I almost called you today
But then I remembered the Comfort on the counter
and how much I wanted it
And I was afraid I’d cry Vodka tears if you answered.

Or if you didn’t.

 

Cisco

Cisco is my dad’s hometown.  It’s where all his family is, meaning his mother, his sister, and her family.  We go there sometimes for holidays and visits and stuff.  The last few times it’s just been Daddy and me, or Daddy, Momma, and me.  Which is fine.  A little boring, but fine.  All those small occasions.  Made me forget why I used to hate Cisco.

I love the drive.  Especially when it’s just Daddy and me.  I drive most of the way, now.  I go about 80.  He sleeps a lot, and we listen to lots of music.  We don’t talk much, but when we do, it’s either really funny or really deep.  I love it.

Well, this time, I went with Mom, Kathy, John Austin, Houston, Allie, and Jesse.  homg.  You haven’t known the concept of loud until you’ve ridden with that group.  Fussing and fighting and screaming and hitting and squealing and yelling… Snap.

Then we get there and it’s Kathy’s kids, Melanie’s kids, Leigh’s kids, and Mark’s kids.  So, a total of 15.  I suppose I should be thankful that Kent’s kids and Brian’s kids weren’t there.  But still.

So, all the good food was gone fast.  Because of the kids.

It was LOUD and rowdy, and I couldn’t keep anything away from anybody.

So, I was the youngest by 13 years, yet the oldest by 6.  Not an adult, but not a kid.

I tried talking to the adults, but after the first two I singled out, I realized they were all asking the exact same questions and giving the exact same reactions.  So, that was boring.  Then they were talking about parenting and marriage and jobs and blah and stuff that I can’t contribute to.

The kids were running around.  Beating each other up.

Jesse wouldn’t smile for me.

So, I sat on the couch.  For hours.  With absolutely nothing.  No service.  No books.  No TV.  No computer.  Just me, a crappy photo album (apparently they can’t take pictures worth anything), and a room too loud to sleep in.

Gee.   I had forgotten why I hate going to Cisco.

:Batman:

 

Kites and the Video Kites

So, Dru, you beat me to it, but I’m still blogging about it.

We went kite flying! And we were supposed to bring little chilluns, so I brought my 8-year-old nephew Houston.  I’ve spent time with his older brother and little sister a lot, but he irritates me so much and is so difficult that I don’t actually spend a lot of time with him.   That’s very… well, not good, so I decided to fix that.  I chose him.  And we went.  I got a Spiderman one because he always likes Spiderman, jumping off of couches and countertops, somersaulting across the dinner table, vaulting off the fence, doing backflips off his porch… you know… regular Houston stuff.   I’ve always thought he didn’t actually like me that much, but I can see now that he does like me!   Which is awesome.  I had to spend a coupld of nights at his house last week and he was ecstatic that I came over.  Had to wait up for me and everything.

I’m really glad I took him with us.  It was spectacular.  I flew a kite for the first time.  Houston taught me how, haha!  It was so much fun.  He was sort of bummed that we had to use a Dora the Explorer kite, and I was a little irritated that I broke three of them, but hey, life goes on.  It was fun anyway.

Dru let me use her kite.  Which I broke.  But I guess that’s okay, because she fixed it.  It was a pretty cool one, but it didn’t like me.  Bah.

Hou-boo:

I’ve never seen a bigger smile on his face.   It made me so happy I almost cried during class today when I saw it!  Ohhhh it made me happy.

And Dru your manual focus skills are pretty awesome.

And I don’t want to upload them to facebook.  It takes forever!!   You should do it next time you come over, hahaha..

Oh, and I found this video not too long ago.  It’s called Kites, made by BYU students.

You should also look up “Pajama Gladiator”.

With Love,

:Batman:

 

DANIEL

Hey,

Haven’t talked to you in a while, and you still haven’t replied to my letter, so I thought I’d address you here.

I need you.

My life is going nuts – home isn’t a haven and everything is falling apart. I can’t really deal with it.

I don’t know where else to go.

I need the warm embrace of someone who doesn’t have any stake in this game but mine.

I love you,

dru