I found a very, very interesting question from @tojosan in my Formspring inbox.
Q. If you could change one thing about last year, what would it be?
I’m going to be my usual philosophical self and say that everything happens for a reason. Moreover, everything happens for our good.
If my grandmother hadn’t died, I might very well still be living at home paying $200 a month in rent to room with my sister. My family wouldn’t have fallen apart – it would just be its usual unhappy self – and I would probably have a car. I might have been able to get over Jon and Krista wayyyy easier ( or, you know, at all ), and I probably would’ve never started searching the interwebz for the love of my life meaning I would never have met my little string of coke heads and ultimately that I would never have watched an ex vom up his drano’d guts after attempting to kill himself because I couldn’t help him/myself ( delete as applicable. )
Or, I could’ve never introduced Jon and Krista. Then she and I might still be friends and he and I might never have parted company at all.
I could have been better to Andrew, and maybe he wouldn’t have been so out-and-out with her and they wouldn’t be married right now and we would still be friends that hang out every Saturday.
I could have tried harder in physics: done the reading, done the homework, made a B. I could have tried harder at home. [ Mom would probably still hate me, but at least I would be able to say: Bitch, I did all the shit you wanted and you’re still too fucked up in the head to see that I really wasn’t that bad. I didn’t get preggers and I paid my rent. Fuck you. ] I could have kept going to church. That would’ve been great.
I could have moved into an apartment in Denton first, or not said “no” when Guppie asked if it would be a problem to bring his friend Zero with him to pick me up.
But none of that would really change anything. If I hadn’t met Guppie or Adam I would be two less on the shame scale but I would have missed out on some great lessons, including the one that still freaking blows my mind: I don’t like being a cheater. Wtf is that?!
I would still make excuses for Juli so I don’t have to accept that it really isn’t my fault that she isn’t healthy.
I would probably have gotten stabbed by Krista in some other way, and I would still be mooning over Jon. *gag*
And I would have gotten a B. Which would be a good thing. So…yeah, probably should have tried harder in physics.
Looking back, some of the biggest mistakes or generally bad things that happened in 2009 contributed to my current state of happiness. And yes, overall I am happy.
If I could change one thing about 2009…I would have kissed Jule when she hugged me in the bathroom and told me we should just be lesbians that day. That would have been great :D
So, yeah. I’m not dead, Internet. My base emotion is no longer unhappiness or guilt or regret. It is contentment.
PS: Cathy, you were totally right about not defining myself by a (wo)man. Mom’s always have such good advice ^_^ x