We made it. After 2.5 days of driving we made it to California.
There are palm trees lining the roads, the air smells like the ocean, our hotel is awesome…
And I am crying in bed.
I’m not really sure what’s going on. It probably has something to do with the fact that I just started taking the pill again – all my emotions seem pretty erratic right now. But I don’t like it at all. I don’t like being in a different state and only able to focus on the fact that I’m not 21 and I’m still feeling sick and I can’t do anything for myself.
I feel like I’m drowning in my own negativity and I can’t help but remember how after his bitching in England I dumped Jon, and Coll dumped me because of this mindset. I hate it.
I want to be cheerful and excited for my boyfriend, but tears keep slipping out when I’m not concentrating on holding them back. I want to be excited, but he can hear in my voice that all I want to do is lie here and pretend I’m not crying.
I hate this feeling; like I’m not in control of my emotions.
I will get better. I won’t ruin this trip for him.
I won’t make him want to run.