California – Day 1

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We made it. After 2.5 days of driving we made it to California.

There are palm trees lining the roads, the air smells like the ocean, our hotel is awesome…

And I am crying in bed.

I’m not really sure what’s going on. It probably has something to do with the fact that I just started taking the pill again – all my emotions seem pretty erratic right now. But I don’t like it at all. I don’t like being in a different state and only able to focus on the fact that I’m not 21 and I’m still feeling sick and I can’t do anything for myself.

I feel like I’m drowning in my own negativity and I can’t help but remember how after his bitching in England I dumped Jon, and Coll dumped me because of this mindset. I hate it.

I want to be cheerful and excited for my boyfriend, but tears keep slipping out when I’m not concentrating on holding them back. I want to be excited, but he can hear in my voice that all I want to do is lie here and pretend I’m not crying.

I hate this feeling; like I’m not in control of my emotions.

I will get better. I won’t ruin this trip for him.

I won’t make him want to run.

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One thought on “California – Day 1

  1. In 2008, I traveled to California. I was hoping to get a job. I loved many, many things about California. My hostess was a cousin I hadn’t seen in nearly 20 years. But everything went wrong, things ended up a disaster and I went back to The Frozen Tundra a broken woman. I disappointed the person who was counting on me. I was a disappointment to my cousin. I was a complete disappointment to myself.

    You are tired right now. Your hormones are a mess. You’ve got a lot going on in your life. But you are resilient. Go take a shower and sob in the shower if you feel like it. Then try to get some rest and remember that you are awesome, you are stronger than you think, you are a good girlfriend and you are worthy of wonderfulness in your life. Don’t shake your head at me… I know all of these things to be true. You just have to have faith, be positive and enjoy the hell out of the ride you are on.

    I mean, how awesome is it that you’re in California? With a cute dude. How often will that happen in your life? Grab the bull by its horns and enjoy the hell out of yourself.

    Love,
    Me

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