Mon Pubis

So, I’ve talked about my boobs, I talk about my piercings all the time, and I occasionally shower you with gratuitous pictures of my semi-naked body.

That article's image up there fits this comic quite nicely, I think.

Now we talk about my vagina. Kind of.

I shaved my… I’m struggling here for a suitably nonchalant-yet-unobnoxious term. I shaved my pubic hair. ( That’ll have to do. I’m not saying “pubes” or “bush” or “beaver” My gosh I hate it when female genitalia is referred to as a beaver. I don’t even like beavers. Urgh. )

Fun facts about Dru: I don’t shave. I DO shave my bikini line. I DO trim to keep things from getting wild. I DON’T shave everything. Because I feel womanly having hair. It shows I’m grown-up and require medicating or latex to NOT bear one children.

But, I decided to try.

I have shaved everything once previously, when I was like 15 or 16 – please stop imagining my pubic mound at that age, that’s paedophilia, – and I really didn’t like it. I had no idea what I was doing – that was before I googled a how-to everything of everything I do before even attempting to do it – and I got horrendous razor burn. SO! This time I also didn’t read google. Surprisingly, I still got a horrible razor burn. When I was in the shower, just before my first swipe, I thought to myself “I should probably google this first. Eh. It’ll be fine.” ( You should probably click here then here. )

In my defense, I thought that the trouble last time was caused by improper shaving, an old razor, and chafing. Turns out it was because I’m too good at what I do. So, in case you have decided you want to get rid of your glorious bush, here are some things I’ve learned that I will put into practice if I ever decide to do this again – which I might, because being smooth is really…feely; lots of feeling – :

Mine is naturally shaped like a buffalo.

1. DON’T USE YOUR NORMAL RAZOR! Unless you normally shave with a shitty/electric one. I use a five-blade men’s razor from Gillette because A] women’s razors in my experience suck and B] that thing gives me the closest freaking shave I’ve ever had. Ever. ( Gillette, if you want to sponsor me when I become famous, I’d be happy to talk. )

Why: Turns out that razor burn is actually ingrown hairs. This occurs much more readily in pubic the pubic area because the hair is curly, so it doesn’t grow straight. ( Redundancy systems, online! ) With a super close shave, the hair has to grow back out from under the skin, meaning it gets all stuck and stuff. This sort of leads me to believe that I’ll never be able to achieve that silky, stubble free finish if I don’t want to look plagued for like a week after. *pout* I am told that single blade razors and electric shavers do not cut so close eliminating at least part of the problem.

2. DON’T HAVE SEX RIGHT AFTER YOU SHAVE.

Why: I dunno – I still think friction is part of my problem. *shrug*

3. MOISTURIZE.

Why: Moisturizing is probably the most overlooked yet most important step in ALL hygienic routines. Except maybe tooth care. I don’t think you need to moisturize anything in your mouth. Everywhere else though! I used a lightweight water-based gel moisturizer that really, really helped. According to my research, moisturizing “softens hairs” or something so there’s not so much of the cutting and tearing of skin upon re-entry. Yes. We’re suddenly talking space shuttles here.

4. DON’T DO IT. Unless you want to.

Why: You should absolutely never let anyone pressure you into anything. I wasn’t pressured, but my partner’s opinion was one of the main deciding factors behind my shavey-shavey-ing. Luckily, my dude is pretty chill and was sympathetic to my pain. Make sure your partner isn’t a douche about you shaving. Don’t let them make you do something you don’t want to. And if – assuming you want to try something new and do go ahead and shave for the first or second time – they make fun of you because you’re a rookie and you messed up your crotch and it really hurts a lot and looks like dead poultry, remember: They’re gonna be cruel, mean and fucked up in the head for the rest of their life. You’ll likely be fine in a few days. Also, punch them, because they suck. Or cry a lot. Whichever works better.

Hope that helps.

I understand that different people like different things. But I think I will limit my topiarian endeavors to plant life from now on. Maybe. Or maybe I’ll spring for an electric. Whatevs.

[ The title is funny because it seems like I misspelled something, but it’s actually in French. Ah. I’m clever sometimes. ]

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Mon Pubis

Say Something!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s