So Far

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So far, two of these margaritas is the most exciting thing that’s happened.

I mean, Brian won $560 on five dollars in a slot machine and I won $100 on $5 in a spinny-wheel game, but those margaritas were really great.

I got to see the lobby of the Bellagio and I went to Hard Rock. I talked to the guy who voiced Draven in LoL and played ShootMania Storm with some pros – I let them down, horribly. They were alright about it. I’ve seen dozens of adorable oppas who I dearly want to NOM – bulgogi is so delicious. And I discovered that I was assigned to this area because I speak French, but all the French teams speak enough English to make me completely unnecessary.

BUT: I’m in Vegas, which is awesome.

And I saw the Pyramid and the Palace and the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower. And I had sex looking out over the strip. That was pretty cool.

I think tonight will be a “get smashed and have fun” sort of night. Cake goes home tomorrow and I don’t think I’m going to drink after he leaves. Just to be safe.

I’ll let you know how adventures go :)

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Good Morning

Hello. I’m lying in bed right now. My shift starts in 17 minutes but I am confident. Because its just downstairs. Because I’m working IPL 5 in freaking Las Vegas. Holy crap so awesome.

I have to go get ready, but so far I haven’t really had any adventures. Mostly jet lag.

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Here’s a blurry picture of me with a shoe. Enjoy!

Goals

I’ve lost 4 pounds in the past 2 weeks and about 10 in the past month. That’s pretty exciting for me.

I was doing so well and I was feeling sexy with my body two summers ago, but then I got lazy and sick and sad and gained 30 lbs. Bummer~

I decided to work on it again and it’s been very on and off, but is apparently working at least a bit. Which is great because none of my clothes fit and it’s really fucking annoying.

I know I talk about it a lot – wanting to get both skinnier and in better shape – but I never really try. I was a lot happier that summer and maybe most of that was because I was actually releasing those endorphins and getting sunshine in me. Idk and idc.

I just wanna get fit! Well fucking fit.

Then let all the boys and girls drool.

Also: I’m mostly at peace with my boobs right now :) they’re actually pretty good, even if they’re tiny. <3

Vulnerabilities

Let’s call this “All the things I’m scared of weekend~!™”

I’m scared of love. Or rather, strong feelings of affection and security. I don’t believe in “love” anymore. ( Yes. I know how pretentious and hipster that sounds. Especially with the quotes. )

I hate the idea of rejection. Even by people I find repulsive. I still want them to ADORE me.

Mostly though, right now, I’m scared of him. I have so much in my heart but I’m afraid that he will destroy me. I see no reason for him to want me. I see no reasons AT ALL other than my flat and my cat.

But here we still are. He won’t let me run away, and I don’t know what to do. I’m too scared of losing everything. It’s easier to get rid of it myself.

But…we look so happy together :(

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Come On

Help me out here, Internet.

I love sex. I love sex, I love head, I love fingers and legs and lips and tongue and everything else.

It feels great. It has since I was 15 years old.

But I can’t come.

I can make myself reach orgasm while I’m alone, while I’m together, whatever, rarely problematic.

But without my help? There’s only ever been one. He made me climax – gosh, they’re such stupid-awkward terms – three times and it was marvelous. Made me feel fantastic and so, so full that I stopped masturbating all together for a while.

I want that.

I know it’s not my lovers’ fault because they consistently succeed with other women. He can make her come. There’s only been one other girl that he can remember in his litany of one night stands that he couldn’t get off.

Her and me. No wonder he thought Dumbo was my favorite :/

So, what’s wrong with me? Why can’t anyone make me get there? I can reach down and help myself out, and I do, but I want him to do it. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this.

I seem to be saying that a lot, lately.