But I Don’t Want To

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head. They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed – dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone; playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home.

There’s a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain an ounce of peace is all I want for you.

Will you never call again?

And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face? And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space

Hate me today.
Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you.

Hate me in ways, ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night while I was busy waging wars on myself; you were trying to stop the fight. You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take, so I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind.

Do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind.

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave, kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made. Like a baby boy I never was a man until I saw your brown eyes cry and I held your face in my hand. And then I fell down yelling “Make it go away! Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be” And then she whispered:

How can you do this to me?

Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you.

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