Brian, Miranda, John, and Me

I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m okay.

I mean, I guess I am, but only just. Only just barely okay, only just recently okay, only kinda holding on to okay.

Brian and I were together for a year and a half. That is a long freaking time. I wanted to marry him. He told me what a good wife I’d make and how much he loved me and how knowing me was the greatest adventure he could ever ask for. He promised he’d come back for me. He said “I promise I’ll come back for you. Because I love you.” Direct quote. And then there were all the little ways he wouldn’t let me go even after I tried to kill myself, texting me to tell me he loved me while they were out on her birthday, or saying that he missed kissing me because she’s shit at it… All of that stuff. And then it just stopped. He said he’d never meant any of it and that was that. Now they go out with the people he used to make fun of and call derogatory names when we lived together. And she insists on actually being a cool person even though I want so badly to hate her. Even though I can feel the animosity roll off her skin when the three of us are on the line together.

But I loved him. Or whatever. Love is perhaps an incorrect concept. I haven’t made my mind up yet. But I thought we would be partners and best friends forever. Till death do us part. And now “we” don’t even exist anymore.

So that’s why I’m not okay. I will be eventually. I’m better than I was, I mean I’m not popping pills and trying to murder myself anymore, but I’m not healed. I’m not over him, or us, or what we were. I don’t understand why he wanted to do things with her and not me. I probably never will and I get that. But I am not well yet. I’m not healed. I’m still all gimp and sore.

That, Dear Leader, is why they’re over it, but I’m not. Because they wanted the change, but I did not.

So please stop thinking that everything is better and nothing bothers me and that I’m okay.

I’m not.

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