Act Casual


eternal flame, yo

 I signed up a year ago, deleted it for a while, just reinstalled like two weeks ago. I’ve definitely had better luck this time around. As is always the case when dealing with men, there’s a tonne of bullshit to wade through, but if you’re persistent and optimistic, you will eventually find a few decent lays. Or at least a few fun ones. 

Let me run you through the best parts of online encounters:

  1. The Meet-Cute: Conveniently, my address does not actually lead to my flat if you follow GPS. This means that the first time someone comes over – usually at like 1 or 2am – we end up wandering around talking to each other on the phone and trying to find each other. 
  2. We Got No Strings: Meeting and banging someone from the Internet almost never leads to more. This is fantastic because relationships are painful and hard, and sex is fun and therefore preferable unattached. 
  3. Whatshername: The sorta awkward pause when I realise after we’ve already banged that I’m only about 60% sure of the person’s name is hands down my favourite exercise in improv. “How do you spell your name? No, your last name.” is a great line. As is “What’s your last name,  I’m not going to Facebook you I promise – I just need to add you to the list of people I’ve had sex with in my life.” I usually go with the second one to be honest. 
  4. Stayin’ Alive: As of this writing, I have not yet been murdered by anyone. Which is just great, if you ask me. 

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